A DAY TO REMEMBER AND FORGET(HOW DO I DO BOTH

Its been a week since i posted.Though i did make an attempt to blog this wednesday i didnt do it due to my stupidity.I hadtype out everything and suddenly the system crashed.Dejavu.hmm.All the text was gone.This week I was also busy with work and
I was applying for an MS in an reputed institute.Me applying to that university made me think of the day my US visa was rejected.Its so clear in my mind.That day was the day my life could have been changed or rather it has changed.I had applied for MS in US and got selected in a few universities.And I had my visa interview scheduled for around 8.30 in the morning.I went into the heavily guarded US visa office in chennai.After passing through all the initial checks and paying my fees i gave my passport and application to the processing person i got the first shock of the morning.I had not taken appropriately
sized photograph.The guy handling the application said that he will defer my interview by an hour and i could get my photograph during the same.I went out and was immediately mobbed like a star by parents of other students asking me whether i had got a visa.I had to shove them around and i just went to meet my dad who was waiting for me at the other end.I told him the situation and suddenly a person appeared from no where saying he will help me out by showing the way to studio.He did indeed and for that i had to pay fifty bucks to him and them photographer took 200 bucks for just 4 photographs.I thought how
one person's misery is an opportunity for another person.
After doing all this i went back to the consulate and went to attend the interview.I noticed how the buildings were arranged.All the americans were in a building that very deep inside the campus.Security precautions !! I thought.Then i went
into a big office where i had the worst nightmare of my life.All the candidates were seperated into some 6 lines.There were around three hundred people in that room waiting for their turn.I thought what was i doing there.You just have to be there to believe it.Every body was shouting at the top of their voice giving justification why they should be given a visa.For a guy who had never ever attended any interview this was the rude shock of the life,having an interview with people watching.May be this was true for others also.My turn came and I said something ,which was disturbed by the guy in the next queue shouting that his dad had paddy fields and the turn over was some zillion tonnes,i think the visa would not even heard beyond the thick glass door he was standing behind.He immediately stamped rejected and gave it back.I tried to explain him something ,but even before i could start he beckoned me too leave.That was the end of my tryst with destiny.I came out and went home with my dad(who was secretly relieved that his son was not going to leave the country).Suddenly i thought why was i upset ,just because some john doe rejected me.I had no reason to be angry or happy.I had given my best try to study in a foreign country and if they dont want me well and good.I am not gonna beg them around for a visa.I know you might not agree with this and you might say that it is a case of fox and the sour grapes,so be it.
Ultimately I got rejected in my first interview which started a series of trials and tribulations which nearly went on for a year,bu thats fodder for some other days blog.

A Dull and dreary weekend comes to an unusual end.

This weekend was what I wished it would not be.All my friends had left the town and I was left alone I thought i would spend my time with the computer.but as soon as i switched it on the power went off.I had nothing to kill my time;I took my guitar and started strumming Fmajor while trying to sing police's dont stand so close to me.As it eventually happened i got so bored with it ,I shelved the guitar and was going to lock my room when that book suddenly caught my sight.I went near it and took it and started reading it.It was a old book with dog ears and many pages missing in the started.I had a sense of dejavu .I remembered the first time I had read the book,it is still fresh in my memory.My mind drifted ten years back when I read it sitting in the middle of a paddy field in my native place.I could suddenly hear all the ladies working in the field and my apathy towards them during that time.There is a saying "Good listeners are always thinking of something else while listening".My mind had subconsciously registered all those and was playing it for me again.
Before going any further I would like to state what the book was.The book was a collection of five russian short stories
1)Nikolai gogol's the overcoat
2)Ivan Turgenev's Mumu
3)Leo tolstoy's After the dance
4)Alexander kubrin 's Garnet bracelet
5)Anton segev's Lady with the dog

When I try to juxtapose my emotions then and now ,I find it totally contrasting and yet coming together.May be people dont change after all.If i want to say the brief outline of the plots,then i may be stealing your pleasure.so read it on your own. I will dwell on garnet bracelet by alexander kubrin.This story of unsolicited love had moved me to tears when i had read it first when i was not even a adolescent is making me sad when i can call myself an adult.The power of words have to be experienced to be believed.The protogonist Zheltkov is madly in love a young aristocrat lady Vera ,but he is unable to bring himself to propose to her or rather identify himself.He writes her letters always to which she of course never replies.Vera gets married and still zheltkov is not able to forget her.He is a very decent person who doesnt want her to get hurt for anything,she is the sole purpose of his living.on her birthday he sends her a garnet bracelet.But vera thinks enough is enough and requests her husband ,a very gentle to person,to put an end to it.He meets zheltkov.Zheltkov says only death will put an end to his and their suffering for he cannot stop loving vera.After her husband leaves ,he commits suicide .In his final letter he asks vera to listen to a particular beethoven sympony.(L van Beethoven .Son No 2 op 2 Largo Appassionato).Vera visits his home to see his body and suddenly she feels something.She cannot recognise whether it is love.She feels as though a love that comes once in a 1000 years has passed her by.She listens to the sympony and starts crying.I am producing the lyrics here.Just place yourself in her position and read it.


I shall now show you in tender sounds a life that meekly and joyfully doomed itself to torture, suffering, and death. I knew nothing like complaint, reproach, or the pain of love scorned. To you I pray: 'Hallowed be thy name.'
"Yes, I foresee suffering, blood, and death. And I think that it is hard for the body to part with the soul, but' I give you praise, beautiful one, passionate praise, and a gentle love. 'Hallowed be thy name.'
"I recall your every step, every smile, every look, the sound of your footsteps. My last memories are enwrapped in sweet sadness-in gentle, beautiful sadness. But I shall cause you no sorrow. I shall go alone, silently, for such is the will of God and fate. 'Hallowed be thy name.'
"In my sorrowful dying hour I pray to you alone. Life might have been beautiful for me too. Do not murmur, my poor heart, do not. In my soul I call death, but my heart is full of praise for you: 'Hallowed be thy name.'
"You do not know-neither you nor those around you -how beautiful you are. The clock is striking. It is time. And, dying, in the mournful hour of parting with life I still sing-glory to you.
"Here it comes, all-subduing death, but I say - glory to you!'


the last stanza
"Be at peace, my dearest, be at peace. Do you remember me? Do you? You are my last, my only love. Be at peace, I am with you. Think of me, and I shall be with you, because you and I loved each other only an instant, but for ever. Do you remember me? Do you? Here, I can feel your tears. Be at peace. Sleep is so sweet, so sweet to me."

gives her a satisfaction that zheltkov has forgiven her.

Though i may have paraphrased it inappropriately.I think this would convey human emotion of love which cannot be fathomed.I closed the book and promised myself not to read it again,because it brings so much sorrow.But I think that is the hallmark of a true classic.So the weekend which seemed dull and dreary after all had something in store.

Few days back I was reading a book called "THE LAST DON" by Mario Puzo.I had read GodFather earlier .Though i knew it was his magnum opus i thought i could get something from the last don.Though I was not disappointed,it never measured upto the corleone cult classic.If you have not read god father,stop reading the blog,get out and buy a one from the nearest book shop.I had bought God father 5 years back and over this period i have read the book fully more than 25 times and have had a peek in umpteen times .
For the initiated let me go ahead.After I read the novel for the first time ,the feeling i had was one of awe .While reading I sometimes imagined myself to be Don Vito corleone and really played it out in my mind all the scenes that came in the book.I did a little introspection later and asked myself a few questions
1.Why do I identify myself with a murderer who will kill for anything that spoils his business?
2.Would i do the same thing If I was given the same chance in life?
***I would try to answer both the questions together.No obviously,the thought of killing anybody horrifies me.And even if it is bad people i am killing ,still I wouldnt do it.If given chance would i do it to and get away with it ..Noway it is only in the movies and books that a murderer and a thug will look like a hero.
But still as the don says "Every man has only one Destiny".So never know what will happen.I may still turn out like michael who never expects to become like the don.Will never know what my destiny will be.Hmm one thing I have learnt and tried hard to implement is not to show anger even if you want a guy's head to be blown off.

FEAR OF DEATH OR LIFE RATHER
I have been very irregular in posting anything on my blog.Though I can attribute many reasons ,I will refrain from any justifications.Today prl a friend of mine called me and had a chat with me and he asked me why was i not updating my blogs?Then I thought oh my god i have a blog to fill in.Let me try to put in bits and pieces everything that was happening to me.I have deleted a few things which thought were puerile.

i was thinking about death for the whole of last month.I donot know what name is given to the fear of death and this is the only thing the pretty good homo sapien has been not able to conquer still.I was having these thoughts occuring at random.What would happen if i die now.The thought of missing anybody does not arise as i believe that once you are gone you are gone forever,so no reincarnation or judgement day theories for me.The thought of yourself vanishing from the face of earth without causing a significant amount of commotion terrifies.I will not even have a grave when i die as i am gonna be cremated for sure.So just disappearing in to the dark of the night certainly blew the spirit out of me.Then my thoughts turned around someone dear passing away ,invariably it turned to my parents.What would i become if they suddenly pass away.would time heal the sorrow and make me happy.As i see now my parents do not seem to mind their parent's demise that much .will i also grow upto be like them?I would I guess.Theres nothing else that i can do.


was listening to a song to a song by ugly kid joe one day and it went like this

My child arrived just the other day
Came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
He was talkin’ ’fore I knew it
And as he grew he said,
’i’m gonna be like you, dad,
You know I’m gonna be like you.’
ChorusAnd the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man ’n the moon.
’when you comin’ home? ’
’son, I don’t know when. we’ll get together then.
You know we’ll have a good time then.’

Well, my son turned ten just the other day.
He said, ’thanks for the ball, dad. come on, let’s play.
Could you teach me to throw? ’
I said, ’not today. I got a lot to do.’
He said, ’that’s okay.’ and he walked away and he smiled and he
said,
’you know, I’m gonna be like him, yeah.
You know I’m gonna be like him.’
ChorusWell, he came from college just the other day,
So much like a man I just had to say,
’i’m proud of you. could you sit for a while? ’
He shook his head and he said with a smile,
’what I’d really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See you later. can I have them please ? ’
ChorusI’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away.
I called him up just the other day.
’i’d like to see you, if you don’t mind.’
He said, ’i’d love to, dad, if I could find the time.
You see my new job’s a hassle and the kids have the flu,
But it’s sure nice talkin’ to you, dad.
It’s been sure nice talkin’ to you.’
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me,
He’d grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.


How true this song is .It just made me sit and think. we are all caught in a circle where the roles do not change but only the players.How true was shakespeare.


.Then I thought to myself why did i grow up.I prayed every day for a week that i may get caught in a time warp so that i will never grow up.On the bus oneday I saw a beggar ,who was blind ,then i thought would this person like to be caught in a time warp,and do the same thing every day ,he wouldnt obviously.I am confused and I dont think I will ever find an answer to any of my paranoid thinkings.one thing is for sure ,I am gonna die someday and the only thing that satisfies me is ,guess what ? you are also gonna die someday.Now I dont know whether it is death that is terrorising me or life which has taught me all this......



Couldnt resist to post something that was eating the mind for a long time.